An Abandoned Pastime

As you may know, I used to enjoy, in a loose sense, regular colonoscopies. My favorites were the ones with anesthesia, but I did plenty of the others too. Just so I could say I did. Before continuing, you should read this description of the procedure. Don't worry, it's safe to read before lunch.

My last colonoscopy was almost exactly the same. My doctor, whose name I will leave out, though he was known to some as "Wild Bill," to his staff as "Guido," to others as "Surfer Bill," to most of his female patients as "Fabio," (and I'm tempted to say some called him Tim) asked me if the room temperature was comfortable. It was around 40 F. Perfect for wearing a hospital gown. Sure, Bill, with your long sleeve shirt, long pants and yellow plastic surgical apron, it's great. He asked if I had any requests.

"No country music during the procedure and I'd like a carton of frozen yogurt waiting for me with a spoon when I come to." He grinned evilly, reached over and pushed play on the CD player. Nothing. He turned up the volume and delivered a nearly fatal dose of Tim McCrawdad or some such City-Boy-with-Hat-Boots-Pickup-Truck-and-Fancy-Guitar-Who-Doesn't-Know-When-to-Keep-Quiet-(Always). He pretended he didn't see my mouth moving for a minute, then turned down the volume.

"That's it!" I shouted. "Today's your turn. Gimme that yellow apron and lie down!" Unfortunately, the anesthesiologist had pushed the magic button when I wasn't looking. Just before I conked out, Dr. Bill gave me another evil grin and some comment about how I'd never really know what happened next.

One day, I'll find his secret headquarters. And when I do...

I'm cooking, Ember enters the kitchen. I'm chopping hamburger as it cooks so it doesn't return to the solid mass it was before it was ground.
Aside[With all the additives they add to food, why haven't they made one that stops hamburger from sticking to itself while it cooks. They have stuff to prevent salt from caking.]
-Iss eecoo eye ick, iss eecoo eye ick!
(Not looking up from chopping)-OK Ember
-Iss eecoo eye ick, iss eecoo eye ick!
-What? does your ankle hurt, or have something on it?
-Iss eecoo eye ick, iss eecoo eye ick!
-Are you asking me to be quiet?
-Iss eecoo eye ick, iss eecoo eye ick!
(I finally look, she's holding a quarter)-Ooh, there's an eagle on it.
Should have known.

Dinner is ready. It's the quick kind.
-Who wants some sloppy joes.
Dead silence, or maybe horrified, it's hard to tell sometimes.
-Don't give me that look, Damian, it's good food.
-I'm allergic to sloppy joes.

Lillian has climbed onto the desk and is accessing forbidden things like staplers, tape, glue, and anything else you can make a mess with.
-Get down from there.
She jumps onto a wheeled chair, rolling across the floor.
-Don't do that, you might get hurt.
-Why?
-You'll fall and break your arm and I'll have to take everybody to the ER cause your dad's not here and they'll look at me like I'm a bad mom.
-You're crazy.
Well, yeah, but more to the point; why?

Lullaby CD

So I'm trying to find a better way to get the little guys to go to sleep and I scour ebay and come up with two Disney Lullaby CDs that look like they'll work. Two weeks of waiting and they arrive in the mail. I pull the CD alarm clock out of their room and plug it in the kitchen, popping the CD in. Out comes the melodious tune When You Wish Upon a Star. They all stop and listen. Lillian says she loves it, gets her pillow and blanket and curls up on one of the office chairs at the desk and pretends to sleep. Ember "I yikes it", Damian says "Mommy, this music is going to make me die." (Dad's Note: This is the same Damian who flew into a rage that almost made me drive off the road the first time he heard Backstreet Boys. I was so proud of him. And, no, it wasn't my CD. Vlad made it for his gf, now wife, and apparently decided it belonged under a shelf in my basement. He was right. Except for it had that Aquabats song on it, which the kids all loved.)

Upon going to bed, I put the CD in the player and Lillian says " I know where this first song comes from, I know where the next song comes from, but the song about putting Daddy to bed, my tiger knows where that one comes from, and she's keeping it a secret."